Knives
by redsama
Summary: Axel thinks he's insane. Roxas is insane. One wants justice, the other redemption. Their aspirations collide on a snowy night. A power struggle ensues. Fate or coincidence? They'll agree to disagree, somehow. Akuroku, slight VanVen and more - murder, drugs and profanities. You've been warned.
1. He's inside of you

Chapter 1

Deep footprints laid the eastern part of the city, snow sparkling powder white under the streetlights. The sun was setting in the west, this definite article of life being the only evidence for any consistency in the ever changing and merciless flow of time.

He hated snow.

He'd much rather see the city burning golden and red, instigating some sort of chaos and striking passion and fear into the hearts of the people.

That's why the sunset on the (horrible, unclean) _white_ coated city was something of a contradiction to Axel. He didn't think it was psychologically healthy to have such mixed feelings on a matter.

But these days, Axel felt pretty insane anyway.

He gazed out his boxy window and hummed on the prospects for the evening, which were, in all honesty, extremely mundane.

He'd been called off his (shitty) job that he somehow managed to keep due to the adverse weather conditions. To be honest, he could have done with the distraction, his gas meter was about to burn out, and he was pretty fuckin' sure he'd be dead by tomorrow if he slept here. It was probably the worst time for Axel to be making rash decisions.

He'd admit, he could be pretty reckless when he wanted to. Like the time on Demyx's birthday when he'd bought a ton of mini fireworks on a rainy autumn day but refused to set them off any other day because 'you only get your fuckin' bday once a year man.' And proceeded to light them in their college dorm, marking their first year of adulthood with a singed block and a reputation for delinquency. Hey, they weren't so far off.

He boiled it down to his father's lack of parenting skills and mother's lack of presence. A little from his brother's 'bad influence' but more from his own reckless decision-making. He didn't blame them really; he was an accident to begin with. He didn't believe in fate, or karma, or god. He just saw life as a series of encounters and interventions, and if you couldn't deal with them, get the fuck over it.

Despite his cynical attitude, Axel could not stand injustice. A lot of his feelings for the world were fuelled by anger. Anger to his parents for not looking after him, anger for those who left others alone, anger more so to those who intentionally hurt.

He'd wanted to be a policeman when he was younger, even getting his brother to teach him how to fight and defend. He thought he could help someone. As he grew older he realised the police could be as bad as the rest of them, and he lost his motivation. What stayed with him though, was a deep resentment that had no outlet. He figured this lead to his impulsive, hot-headed personality. He got into a lot of fights when he was a teen, and he was just lucky that he had people around to protect him.

In high school, they said he was funny, Axel just thought he was an asshole. He just didn't give a shit what others thought of him, something he'd regret in his older years. He wasn't exactly an extrovert, but he gave off a strange vibe that was rambunctious and compelling and intimidating all at once. People often loved or hated him, and he prided himself of being a man of extremes.

Either way, he found a small group of friends who grew to trust and depend on him for reasons unknown. He was probably the least stable amongst them, but he guessed it was because he had a good ear to listen with, and surprisingly for all his foolish mistakes, sound advice that he refused to follow himself.

His roommate was with his boyfriend in a town he couldn't even pronounce. They'd grown up as Islanders and were visiting their families. He was probably soaking up the sun and would come back glowing with kisses from the ocean and love shining in his eyes.

Axel pondered over his current, very different situation, and tried not to throw something at the wall.

Picking up the phone, he speed dialled 1. A cheery voice picked up after just a ring and Axel found himself walking in the freezing snow with an oversized black parka and pink earmuffs given to him as a joke by Marluxia.

Earning himself a good few looks (not that he wasn't used to this) he made his way through the city to Demyx' apartment. He decided to take one of the upper highways that he knew would be both deserted and clean of snow. He walked along numbly, cold and complacent. He wished for the warm sun on his back and the absence of icy, bony fingers and limbs. For a moment, his wish came true.

In the gathering darkness, a small light opened up across the way between the frosty shrubs and some tall pines. The road was deserted, save for a pick up truck parked half-hazardly on the cold shoulder. Being the impulsive person he was, Axel decided to take a look. He could smell the nostalgia of smoke and burning, feel the heat grow closer.

Walking up, he could see two cloaked figures watching a fire grow throughout a small patch of plants. It was a wonder that they were alight with all the moisture from their frost coloured leaves. The fire wouldn't catch too far, but it was still illegal activity. Axel thought about calling the police for a second, but the fire was too compelling to look away from. It had been so long since he'd felt one in his home, the winters merciless, unending. It was like the sun had returned from some alien place in a different form.

Axel stopped behind a thick trunk, and decided to be an observer for a few moments. However, it wasn't long before he noticed a strange smell mixed in with the smoky wood, it was almost unpleasant.

The taller of the two hooded figures went to stand against the car they had left on the highway, probably to keep an eye out. Axel's eyes wandered over to the smaller figure that couldn't have been standing more than a few meters away. Shadowed by the trees in the dark, he looked over to him and searched his face for any memorable detail, just in case. The only thing he could see under the hood was fire dancing in his eyes. They were huge and blue and intense. He was younger than he thought, and appeared to be of quite a small stature.

Axel felt compelled to get a closer look, both at the fire and the fire-starter. He'd always had an innate fascination for it, something primal, he thought. It wasn't everyday something like this happened. He grappled any chance for a different experience than the norm. The norm was cold, dull, lifeless isolation. And when it wasn't he had his friends and booze and chicks he forced his feelings for. But that was about it. Most things felt kinda meaningless these days.

But this fire... It made him a little excited if he was honest. The only thing was that smell... It wasn't right. It wasn't like when him and Zexion and Demyx would sit around at summer vacation in the barmy evenings. It wasn't even like when him and Reno toasted marshmallows in the winter.

There was also something under the logs that didn't look like a log. And as he got closer, Axel realised he was staring at the pits of hell. The beauty vanished in an instant. That smell was... _Human. _

Axel took that moment to snap a stick beneath his feet. And he'd been spotted.

The taller man noticed first, despite standing further away. Before Axel could react, the man lunged and tumbled terribly down with him, whacking his head on a nearby rock. He sat up fast, head bleeding a little on the side, and the man took this moment to punch him hard in the face before setting a knife to his throat.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I don't wanna die yet... I..._

The man who had Axel in his grasp stared down with large wide eyes and unnaturally dilated pupils. His eyes looked almost completely black, and Axel was sure he was doped up. He could feel a trickle of blood drip down his neck. But he was so numb with cold and shock he couldn't tell if was hurting to not.

The younger one noticed what had happened and pulled himself away from the rapture of the fire. His hood fell away from his face to reveal a head of blonde hair and a pale, wan face. His eyes stood out against the burning backdrop and Axel noticed his pupils too, were hollow and huge.

"Only the chosen can watch the flame."

The taller man pulled his head back farther with a horrific sneer on his face, he was definitely revelling in this. Axel looked to the blonde boy and thought it was the last moment of his life, his hands tied down and his throat held tight. He looked to those blue eyes and searched for something, anything. He looked a little troubled and hesitated. Axel could tell this boy did not fully agree with the attacker's method, but he wasn't helping Axel either.

"Why... Why would you... How can you k-" He managed to stutter out, disgusted. Disgusted that one person could take another's life. He had always found it one of the most disturbing truths of the real world. He writhed in the man's clutches, unable to escape.

Axel was tall, used to fighting, able to defend himself. This guy was a couple inches shorter than him, and yet he'd overpowered him before Axel could even try.

_This guy's too strong for his build... He's... a monster._

Axel made a final attempt to squirm out of his grip but he could not move. The younger man had a gun at his hip and a knife in his belt and although Axel could see some regret in his huge blue eyes, he still looked like he'd be willing to shoot despite his hesitant attitude to his accomplice's approach.

The tall man was concealed save for his grotesque, hollow iris' that screamed and laughed at him. He gripped his neck tighter, knife stroking his skin slowly.

"It's over now... The fire's nearly died out." Axel squeezed his eyes shut and prayed the man would get it over with in one fell swoop. But it never came.

Slowly, he opened his eyes. The younger of the two was standing behind the taller, still gripping the knife in his hand. But he was bleeding now. Out his chest, through his stomach...

Axel felt faint and his body limp. All he could think was how the scarlet liquid made the snow seem softer... Warmer.

The tall man collapsed next to Axel, gripping at the knife that stuck out his side, unable to remove it.

Axel was met face to face with the smaller man, a little younger than himself, with a baby face and scary, beautiful, cerulean eyes.

The fire burnt quietly behind them, growing smaller. He stepped a little closer to Axel and took the knife from the man's side, rolling him over and shutting his eyes before mumbling a short prayer for the dead.

Axel just stared at him in absolute bewilderment. He'd just registered that he was alive, the man was dead... And there was blood... So much blood...

The boy looked at Axel gravely before opening his mouth, his eyes flashed orange and yellow and he spoke in a strange voice that was nasal and husky at the same time. His accent was odd too, and the intonation seemed off. All the same, his words would resonate through Axel's mind forever.

"Run... You make any decisions from this and it's over for you… You'll die. You'll become involved. And then you may as well be... " The boy blinked, too fast, out of sync.

"Just forget this ever happened... Go home."

The boy wasn't making sense and he turned on his heel but Axel grabbed his arm. Even though he was weak and bloody, his grip was firm and resolute.

"-y" Axel croaked incoherently, and the boy tried once again to run.

_Please let me go. _

Axel tried again.

"Why…?" He barely managed, but this time the word came out.

The boy sighed and shook his head, his eyes darkened and he looked devastated and vacant all at once. He looked up at the sky, and Axel noticed it was raining. And then he spoke.

"…The smell of blood… Red hair… green eyes. I had to save you... Because I was looking for you... All this time... No... You are… you live…"

He was talking gibberish, words all jumbled and disorganised. He was obviously completely irrational, possibly psychotic. Axel noticed that although his eyes were perfectly blue, his pupils were a little too large and the corners of his mouth twitched a little too often. Axel was scared. Perhaps even more scared than when he was being held at knifepoint. He knew he'd never met this guy before.

The boy reached out with a trembling hand, and Axel's arm weakened in shock. He took this opportunity to run off into the brush, disappearing into the foul smoke.

Axel was left alone, and sirens could be heard, urgent in the distance.

A/N This chapter's kinda short unfortunately, but it's more of an opening. Sorry guys, Akuroku will come later. Sorry about the long intro, but I feel that knowing Axel's character in this fic is important for the way he reacts later.


	2. Anger me, Conquer me

Chapter 2

_Anger me, Conquer me_

Axel ran. He ran so fast and he thought he'd lost his mind.

He rang the dilapidated doorbell, eyeing it as if it were some ancient relic that he refused to believe would work.

"Get the fuckin door you lazy ass queen." A rough voice reverberated off the walls, and Axel sighed in both relief and annoyance. The blood had started to clot, but there was still an open gash along his shoulder and neck.

"Who made ya pancakes and picked you up after that hilarious hangover my kindred?"

Somehow the usual silliness in Demyx' flat was the most welcoming sound Axel had ever heard. Axel made a mental note to question Dem about them pancakes.

"Dem, your fag boyfriend's here." It just so happened that Demyx's older brother was around. Really, Axel didn't know how brothers could turn out so polarised. On seeing the familiarity of his stern, square face, he buckled.

"You're the biggest fag of all… Seifer." Axel managed a weak retort before falling onto him heavily.

"Dem, he's comin' onto me man, help!"

Something red and thick dripped down onto Seifer's forearm and he took a moment to register what was happening.

"Fuck, dude! What happened!? You're covered in blood!" Seifer's attitude immediately changed and he swung an arm around his shoulder, lifting Axel over to the couch.

"Homygod Axel are you ok is that blood ohmygodohmygod A KNIFE?! What? Interstate 9? I'll kill the fuckers I tell you anyone touches you again and I-" Demyx was bouncing off the walls like a puppy in a cage and someone needed to exercise some damage control before his brain exploded.

Seifer threw a roll of tissue at him and Demyx' lanky frame swayed a little from his outburst.

"Get the fuckin antiseptic shit you ingrate."

Axel managed a weak laugh.

"Like you'd be able to do anything, skinny dick, but thanks for your concern."

Demyx blinked from the barrage of insults and toppled over to a cabinet above the sink.

"But should we call the police?"

"He's dead. The police were already on their way by the time he'd been killed."

"Axel you didn't-"

"No! No, his, I'm guessing, partner in crime stabbed him in the back, literally. I know, I'm as surprised as you are, trust me." He said, seeing the look on the two brothers' faces.

Seifer taped one last bandage before sitting back and admiring his handiwork.

"All done, that should start healing in a couple days, but it's gonna scar up pretty bad. You got lucky though, that was close to your jugular."

"Shit Seifer, never took you for such a tender guy." Seifer almost blushed and got up a little too quickly, knocking the remaining first aid supplies onto the floor. Really, he was just a big tsundere.

"Shut up you little shit, I wasn't in the army for nothin' you know."

"Wait so, his partner in crime or whatever is still out there?"

"Yeah but... He saved my life. Sure he was a little crazy..."

"Axel there could be a psychopath on the loose! If he saved you with no rationale behind it, there's a chance he could turn up again. You have to inform someone."

"The police know there's another guy douche bag, they would guess his accomplice had been killed by _someone_."

"You idiot... Why didn't you speak to the police about it and have them drop you here? You're frozen and wounded... Probably dripped blood all the way back..."

"Naa, I was holding the guys scarf on it while I walked, besides, the police would have just thought I was responsible, and then we would be in an even bigger mess. It was kinda my fault in a way."

"Wait… What do you mean the guy's scarf?"

"Oh yeah... I must have been out of it when he put it round my neck, his pupils were so fuckin' big it was scary and I think I was lookin' at em too hard. Here."

Axel picked up the ancient scarf Seifer had taken off him and examined it carefully. Aside from the dried blood, it was plain and black. On the underside someone had stitched a large letter R in a curly white font, faded and orange with bloodstains. It was falling apart and half the thread had come off on one side. At the very bottom, there was a faded tag that Axel couldn't quite make out.

He handed it to Seifer who in turn scrutinised the item, turning it in his hands and squinting hard at the nametag.

"..er? Or is that an n? En?" It appeared the scarf had been well worn and was now unidentifiable, only two letters slightly visible and they were also illegible.

Seifer's phone beeped obnoxiously. He exhaled loudly and touched Axel's bandaged shoulder lightly.

"I gotta meet Hayner. And you probably just wanna relax right now. But you tell me if you need anything or want to speak to the police about this. I'll be happy to call up Leon and shit. Cloud told me they've been tryin' to catch this one guy for ages. There've been a lot of assassinations recently, all stabbings. Stay out of trouble you reckless little prick, I've been savin' your ass since elementary, and I'm tired of it."

Axel nodded sheepishly and gave his thanks as Seifer got his coat.

"Later Dem Dem." Seifer ruffled his fauxhawk and shut the door behind him.

"But everything's fine now right? I mean, that guy who saved you, he's still out there so..."

"Yeah, but he saved me right? He can't be all that evil and shit. Probably small time stuff."

"Axel, he _killed a guy."_

"It obviously wasn't just him involved." Axel stopped.

_Why am I defending him? _ He sighed.

"Alright, alright. I'm being an idiot. If anything more happens I'll phone the fuckin' police okay?"

"Yeah well. Make sure it's not too late."

After a few moments of small talk about Axel's boiler and his bitch of a landlady, Demyx got up and fixed him a cup of coffee, which Axel accepted graciously. The mood grew considerably quieter as he squeezed his hand briefly. Axel sighed at the familiarity and let himself unwind. He had felt this sombre mood become more apparent in their friendship in recent years, even without the unusual event of this evening. He probably should have been worried that they were both spiralling into an early depression, but if he was honest, Axel liked the quiet companionship. He realised he was still trembling a bit from his encounter, but Demyx always eased his nerves in no time at all.

Their friendship had started off as rather... vocal, Axel wasn't sure whether that was the right description. Either way, their earlier days consisted of smoking pot, partying hard and talking of everything under the sun. They were only a little older now; still and sitting with their whole lives sprawled out ahead of them like a map of the city. But they didn't need so many words anymore. Just a look, a touch, and it was ok. Just about.

"How about them pancakes Dem? "

Demyx smiled, because if Axel said just a few words, he knew they'd be alright and weren't heading for some mid (or early) life crisis that most of the youth were experiencing today.

Demyx' smile was straight, a mouth full of pearly whites. And if you looked closely he had a small dimple in his left cheek, but not his right.

Axel absently wondered how someone as like Dem even remembered to brush their teeth in the morning. Hell, how did Demyx even get by on his own when Axel couldn't even keep his own feet on the ground?

They shared pancakes with syrup and stayed up talking because Demyx knew Axel couldn't sleep. He knew Axel wouldn't admit that he was a little scared, a little frightened. But he could tell. And Axel could tell Demyx was being tactful so when he pulled out the futon and dragged it near his bed he looked at Demyx with as much appreciation as he possibly could.

Demyx insisted he stay for a couple days and the whole time he acted like a suffocatingly concerned mother. Axel managed to sleep a little, but it was fraught with nightmares of the dead and ghosts with pale blue eyes.

Zexion was coming home from the north side on Friday and a few old friends had decided to come along for the ride. He decided no one really needed to know about his little "incident" and tried to take the strange kid's advice about forgetting. Easier said than done. He told Demyx that he didn't want the others to know and although he looked at him disapprovingly, he nodded sincerely. They decided they'd say his bandages were due to a bad, drunken fall and that would be that. It was believable enough.

Axel wasn't so shaken anymore and he was pretty much back to his normal self. Though he couldn't quite shake the images, he did try and forget them.

It was Saturday morning and Axel awoke on the floor. By the looks of it, last night had turned out more wild than they thought. To hell with depression and trauma, they were still Demyx and Axel in (what should be) the prime of their youth. Besides, he could use some kind of brain altering substance because he'd been thinking way too much recently. And he was a little scared about it. So he decided to get absolutely fucked.

He woke up sprawled out on Demyx's floor with Marluxia curled up by his stomach and Zexion clearing up what looked like... was that squirty cheese? What happened last night? Zexion quirked a smile at Axel and pointed at Demyx who was sleeping half on the sofa, half on Xigbar and tried to stifle a laugh. On his forehead were the words "I love cock" and by the looks of things, Xigbar had obviously tried spoon him.

Axel was surprised Zexion let him within two feet of the horny bastard. "Must really trust him." He mouthed to his bluenette friend. He just shrugged cordially and smiled fondly at the scene.

By late afternoon he bid goodbye to his friends and thanked them for a good time. He realised he needed some alone time to recoup.

By the time Axel got to his side of town, it was 5pm and the sun was setting.

_Fuck_ _it's cold_

He shuffled through his pockets looking for his keys, chuckling to himself as he finally figured out some dirty joke Xigbar told this morning. He also smiled when he felt the small paper envelope with a few 50s in it that the guys had presented to him. He'd been over the declining act before, saying he didn't rely on anyone, and truly, he didn't. If he had to, he could probably get by (_miserably_) alone, but who needs pride when you've got company who care for you. Despite Axel's cynical outlook on life, he found it moving that there were some decent people out there who would do that for him.

He mentally slapped himself for thinking such corny thoughts and decided he would _just stand _for a while as a penniless bystander. He pretended he was smiling because the snow had half melted, and he could make out a red glow through the clouds, parting like an ocean for a god. There were still unpleasant memories quite palpable on his mind, but his friends and a little inebriation had taken the sharp edge off them. Everything seemed a little hazy round the edges.

Looking out on the porch of his apartment block, he looked to the setting sun and found some peace in the melting snow. He'd be okay and he could live with an ache in his heart if he still had breath in his lungs. But sometimes there was a wistful yearning for something untouchable, and he didn't know that the next intervention of his life would change him forever.

Axel wasn't sure if it was the hangover or the bipolar weather but he knew there was something different about that day. He didn't believe in divine or godly power, but when he thought back to that moment, perhaps the event was designed by some predetermined miracle, or perhaps, from Axel's track record, a curse.

Either way he had a vague suspicion that Marluxia slipped him mushrooms at breakfast because he felt all philosophical and paranoid and _weird_.

Fumbling with his keys and _freezing his balls off_ from staring at the sunset for so long, he pushed open his apartment block door. There was a shady looking group in the corner of the lobby who sort of nodded at Axel in vague acknowledgement.

The whole area was with filled with petty criminals who had a sort of mutual respect for each other. Axel guessed that, due to his rather unconventional appearance they assumed he was one of them, and people generally kept out of his way.

Axel walked past them and round a corner, boots falling heavily onto the cold tile. It wasn't until he was near the stairs that he noticed.

Curled up in the corner of the lobby was a vagrant sat against the far wall of the shabby atrium, covered in layers of blankets and sheets. What set him apart from the other vagabonds who took refuge here occasionally was their lack of discretion in hiding, especially with those thugs so close by. It was obvious they were much younger than the usual hobos around here and they consisted of a rather lithe frame.

The person shifted as they heard the door shut and Axel didn't hesitate to get a good look at this figure. Something about their hunched shoulders was familiar.

He edged closer, trying to look nonchalant, he was just heading up the stairs after all. The figure seemed to notice the movement and looked up quickly, reflexively.

Axel stopped in his tracks. It was _him..._ And yet... This young man was completely different.

He was met with those same baby blues and dark shadows. But this time his eyes looked clean and a little tired, radiantly set in his wan face. He peered at him, and a boy of about 18, 19 years stared back at him with mild interest, which quickly gave way to unrestrained surprise.

Axel resisted the urge to bolt back out the door and never come back. The boy was right, and he agreed with him. He _wanted_ to forget. _Needed_ to. Now this boy was back in his life and for some reason he couldn't understand, he wanted to kneel down and cry.

The group of shady looking men peered round the corner in sudden interest, and Axel wanted out, _now. _The young man's several bags must have caught their eye because a few more men emerged dangerously. Namely, the shining silver briefcase that glinted under a khaki cloak. Axel looked at the blonde and back at the men, cogs ticking over slowly. _Fuck._

The men were quickening their pace now, a flash of a knife. One of them was too close, and tried to reach for either Axel, or a bag. Axel grabbed his arm and a terrible crack was heard. In no time, the assailant was on the floor. Axel reflexively reacted and it had not gone unnoticed by the boy. This guy had fought others before.

Axel tried to stop time for a second just so he could think about _what the actual fuck_ he was doing but quickly decided that being reckless hadn't killed him yet and he would take this chance because maybe it would add a bit of _excitement_ to his life. Maybe he was fucking _bored_ and lacking and _missing _something vital. That night had disturbed him, but the thrill of it was etched into his mind. And to be sure, he couldn't bear to see any more bloodshed this week. For now, this was a good distraction from his fragmented mind.

He looked at the homeless child, angelic in the sunset glow, blue eyes apocalyptic and life changing. He looked different, less vacant and more human. His pupils weren't abnormally large, and his expression didn't look off and out of place. He stopped for a second and ran a hand through his hair in frustration before he grabbed his wrist, half dragging the boy as the abysmal sunset peered through the glass and Axel silently prayed that it be a sentinel and protect them. In the other hand he carried one of the 3 bags the boy had with him. The boy clutched the briefcase possessively, also wearing a huge rucksack that made him look like some sort of hitchhiker.

Axel didn't know why he did it. He just knew he felt a jolt up his spine and it felt good. The small, _beautiful_ fierce-eyed boy looked at him in bewilderment before his features set into a frown. Axel quickened their pace before speaking.

"I'm sorry I couldn't grant your request. You saved my life, and now I just can't forget about it so easily."

The boy shook his head fiercely and tried to wrench his hand free, but Axel wouldn't let go, and he could hear the sound of their footsteps as they raced up on their tails.

"Look, if I let you go they'll shoot you on the spot. That what you want?" The boy could barely keep up with Axel as it was. He looked extremely weak and his legs moved awkwardly, as if he had a limp. Axel was dialling 911 on his phone and the boy's expression immediately distorted in worry. He looked at him for a moment before sighing. It was an irrational decision, one of Axel's finest.

"What the fuck am I doing... I'm not gonna say anything about you, so keep your shit together. "

Somehow, Axel managed to get them both into his apartment without being shot. He bolted the door and pushed the coat rack against it, not that that would stop them. The men had worked up a ruckus to the point that neighbours had gotten involved. He would like to have helped, but he had a stranger in his flat who had a huge ass briefcase (_really that can't be good... Can you be anymore obvious?) _wrapped in several coats and blankets.

Axel put his hands on his knees and inhaled deeply, catching his breath. He flicked his eyes up and looked at the boy who was also panting, bags dropped to the floor and layers of oversized clothing hanging off his arms.

By some strange circumstances, Axel had designed his own fate and in it, he'd painted a picture of a strange and beautiful fugitive. He had no idea how his life would weave together to form such a contradictory image. All he knew is that the whole experience had exhilarated him. And as he dropped the boy's belongings, his foreign, musty smell would forever be engrained a reminder of that thrill.

The boy was scrawling something on a piece of paper, and Axel realised he hadn't heard his voice.

_Thank you_

It read, and the boy's mouth changed into what appeared to be a tired, thin-lipped smile that was almost sincere.

Axel tried not to stare and shoved the note aside telling him he couldn't stay here long. The flat was freezing and they faced each other in the icy air with a sort of mutual disbelief. The young man hadn't expected anyone to help him, let alone Axel himself who was always trying to keep a low profile (not that he really could with his bizarre appearance.)

He was curious, half interested, half blown away. The boy didn't look armed so he quickly filled the meter by the door. He then heard some clicking noises behind him and wondered if he would be held at gunpoint like some dramatic thriller. It was only then he remembered that this was the same psychotic looking boy from before who had mercilessly stabbed his ally.

However, when he turned around he saw a weak, tired looking young man with ragged cloth hanging off his sides. The main thing Axel noticed was that the boy was _unpacking his bag_. But this wasn't what surprised Axel most. In the briefcase underneath some old clothes were layers of cash, stacked high in hues of faded green. Axel's eyes couldn't help but stick out in a bog-eyed fashion. _Why would he show me this?_

The young man saw his face and shook his head amusedly so his flaxen hair waved a little and fell into his eyes.

Axel resisted the strong urge to reach out and move it from his face.

The blonde looked around for a second before pointing to Axel's window. He whirled around quickly, worried that the men were about to jump in and take his life. All he saw were police cars down below and a crowd of people staring over the fence. He sighed in relief and realised how caught up he had gotten in the whole situation.

When he turned around, the boy was diligently writing a message for him. And Axel tried to hide his anticipation. He fell on to the sofa with a thump and the young man teetered over, dressed in an old shirt and ripped up jeans. Handing him the pad, Axel noticed his hands looked relatively groomed, with clipped, clean nails. However there were tiny nicks and cuts adorning the sides of his fingers and knuckles. He chose not to say anything for now, the boy didn't seem to be a serious threat at the minute.

The first page of the pad read _ROXAS_ in a cursive scrawl. The redhead raised his eyebrows at him.

"Your name? ... Your name's _Roxas?_"

The boy made a look that Axel interpreted as a sarcastic comment.

"Yeah well it's not everyday you come across a name like that."

The boy, Roxas, gestured at Axel in kind.

Axel hesitated, wondering if this was the right thing to do. Wondering if this boy should even be here.

_Seriously... what were you thinking?_

He sighed. Seems he did that a lot recently.

"The name's Axel, got it memorised?"

Roxas raised an eyebrow, an expression that Axel hadn't seen on him before.

Completely straight-faced, the boy scrawled something quickly on the back of a magazine.

_Axel? Like the car part A-X-E-L? _

Axel looked at him incredulously, and he could have sworn the boy's lips twitched a little at the sides.

_Is he mocking me?_

"Yeah." He didn't know what to say to that.

He picked up the pad, wanting to get straight to the bottom of what the fuck was happening right now. This non-conversation with this enigmatic stranger, his previously psychotic looking saviour, it was too surreal for his liking. He needed to know if this boy was involved with the murder, that was his main preoccupation. That and why the fuck he saved his life that day, running off and leaving him fragmented.

He flicked the pad over and found Roxas had written a little essay for him about his life. His hand was an impassioned and angry looking cursive that crawled above and below the fitted lines.

"This better be to the point." Roxas nodded from where he was still writing. It appeared he had more to say.

_"Look, I'll be honest. I can tell your one of those hotheaded types who cant hide their emotions. Frankly, I don't like you. I thought that was completely idiotic what you did downstairs and if you valued your life you would have run like a good boy. You would have forgotten like I'd told you to. However, for taking me in, you've paid the price for your_ actions."

Axel raised an eyebrow at him.

_Is this some sort of joke?_

_"I'm afraid you've become involved now and you can't escape. There are some things I'd like you to take care of. And if you don't comply, I'll have no choice but to use force. You do what I say and I might even share with you. I would type this shit out on my phone, but I haven't found a place to charge up in a few days. You mind?"_

Axel didn't know why he asked, he had already plugged what looked to be quite a nice smartphone into one of his sockets and was typing away with great ease. Roxas handed the phone to Axel, careful to keep his distance. Axel couldn't believe this. On one hand, he felt like laughing in the boy's face. However, from his experience the other night, he knew better of what this young man was capable of.

Axel looked at him with blood drained from his face. The boy had taken off his cloak, and under a ragged shirt, Axel could see the corner of a small handgun poking out of his belt.

_What have I gotten myself into Dem... There's a hell boy sitting across from me... And I didn't even realise._

Axel blinked as his eyes adjusted to the phone screen light and read on.

_"Don't give me that look. Like I said, only if you become reckless will I act harmfully. To be honest I'm a little fucked in the head. Looks like the police are gone now."_

_Oh I'll show you reckless, kid._ He continued reading, resisting the urge to knock the boy out.

_He'd probably shoot me before I had the chance._

_"So I guess I'll come clean with you. Remember, you only got yourself to blame."_

The reality of the situation hit Axel in an instant and he could feel a sickly bile crawling up his throat. Roxas was right… He had gotten himself into this situation…. He should have known better and…

_"You're my hostage now. Btw I unplugged your phone cord while you were distracted. Will also have to change locks. You could probably beat me one on one... But I got a_ _gun_ _in my back pocket and a knife in my belt so I wouldn't try anything. All I want is your help in carrying out a single task. If you_'_re not up to it, I will have to kill you. You know too much already. I should have killed you while I had the chance_… _Lucky for you I got fucked over by my boss so badly I lost my voice from screaming so hard."_

Axel's eyes widened at that, and getting a good look at him, he noticed that Roxas was covered in bruises and cuts, his lips dry and cracking at the edges. The boy was a completely different person from his last meeting. He was still willing to kill, and had a scary look behind his eyes. But his face looked more tired and less insane. If Roxas could look like that… Axel shuddered to think what kind of fucked up creature this 'boss' was.

"Y_ou_'_ve given me no choice. Our last meeting was a warning I gave to you, and you refused to listen. So what will it be? You can help me, or be slaughtered by the same blade that once saved you."_

Axel just stared blankly at the phone and Roxas knew he had finished reading. He would give it a moment to sink in. _Poor bastard doesn_'_t know what's hit him. Gotta do what you gotta do darlin'._

Axel looked up at the fierce young man, face white as chalk and trembling. Roxas thought it was a little pathetic. Axel felt pathetic. The sky had darkened and the light filtering through the windows became absent.

_God damn you merciless sunset._

Darkness was falling over the city like a cloak, and a strange villain stood over Axel and eyed him carefully.

Axel was shitting himself, no denying it, and he knew it showed. But he wasn't about to back down. Seifer told him not to act reckless. But he was just a reckless person. He couldn't help it. His anger was growing out of control.

_Fuckin' piece of shit... I won't be broken so easily by a kid like you..._

He clenched his fists and stood up. Roxas stayed still, but Axel could tell he was slightly taken aback with his stature. Roxas had saved him before, and Axel hoped that meant he wasn't capable of killing him.

_He's at least 6,4, can't be less. Hard to gage him... Seems obvious at first but now he has a look in his eyes that's setting me a little on edge, it would be a shame to cut such a beautiful face... Green eyes don't deceive me, I know them from-_

Before he knew it, Axel's hands were at his neck, his air supply constricting. This man was not just groping blindly at his jugular, he knew where to squeeze just right so Roxas would be in deep discomfort, but not choke. Someone had taught Axel… Trained him.

"You disgust me kid, you think you can come into my life and fuck it up?"

Roxas' eyes widened, his teeth clenched and body stiff.

"Answer me!" Axel's voice was commanding, and Roxas almost opened his mouth, gasping for air.

"Was this the choice you made?! To carry a weapon and fuck up people's lives? You saved my life, but not without killing a guy. Say something you piece of shit!"

Axel's words were full of contradictions, if it weren't for the fact Roxas carried a weapon that night, Axel would be dead. But Roxas admitted he was a little frightened. No one had ever stood up to his blunt and severe method of work. He always staked his power from the beginning.

Axel was still a little pale, but he didn't look nearly as nervous as he did before. His grip was tightening and his green eyes had turned acidic, venomous, and Roxas could feel his anger and malice twist into his neck... Cutting off his supply before...

Blackness ate away at his vision, and he could see no more.

A/N Yay a longer chapter! If this is confusing... please tell me. I have a bit of writer's block. Not so much in the way of ideas, just actually getting them down and making it sound good is hard! Anyway, review, follow or fave if you're enjoying it! I will try and release updates quicker from now on.


	3. Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame

**Chapter 3**

**_Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame_**

Am _I okay? Am I safe? Am I mentally unstable?_

_I'm crazy, you're fucking crazy man._

_Where does that side of me come from? Is there something I don't know about myself? I'm scared... I'm scared for me... Scared of me... I'll be the death of me... Oh god someone help me. I'm a prisoner inside my mind and I can't escape... I beg you come and save me... Lonely with company..._

_Pick me up and carry me... Someone... Anyone... l_…

_I don_'_t want to be alone_…

Axel lurched up and dry heaved. He was in a dark room, curtains drawn, hands behind his back, bound and tied like he'd imagined. He hoped it was a nightmare, but the feeling of dread was too real. He had Roxas in his grasp… He was there but then… what happened?

In the next room he could hear a hoarse voice talking quietly on the phone. He couldn't make out the words being said, and his whole body ached with fear and pain. He tried pulling his wrists to break the rope that was tying his hands, but he was too weak. His head flopped down in despair and he waited, lulling in and out of sleepless nightmares.

Roxas glanced at the door just in case. He knew there was no way for Axel to escape but given his earlier unpredictability Roxas couldn't be sure. He wanted to go into the room across the hall from Axel's room and the living room, but it was locked. He continued his conversation as quietly as possible, not that he could talk very loudly in his condition.

"_I don't know. He dragged me to his apartment so I just chose him. He_'_s strong. Someone_'_s trained him to fight like this. I think it_'_s possible he could be-_"

"_Roxas. For fuck_'_s sake is this urgent? I told you not to call me on this number. I_'_ll have to change it now. Xemnas will track this call if he thinks anything seems suspicious. He thinks I _'_**disposed**_' _of you. Then we_'_ll both be done for. I_'_ve given you one last chance. If this Reno lookalike has potential, show me. For now, I_'_m two assassins down and about to be sacked. You killed Kadaj who was also responsible for recruitment. You really fucked me over Roxas. My whole sector_'_s deteriorating. It_'_s been in meltdown ever since Reno-_"

The scratchy voice barked at Roxas down the phone. But he didn't miss the desperation underpinning his tone.

"_I get it. I_'_m trying. Just, give me a couple months, this guy_'_s harder to wear do-_"

"_A couple __**months?**__ You think I have that kind of time Roxas? You better get you_'_re shit together and give me something good. Did you find the money?_"

"_Yeah, I was surprised the police didn_'_t find it._"

"_Ok. I have to go. Good luck Roxas. You bastard. _"

"_Wait, how_'_s Ven?_"

The line was silent for a second before the man on the other side sucked in a sharp breath.

"_- I dunno. He_'_s being sucked into the whole regime quite quickly. I_'_ve tried speaking to him but after we got separated into different sectors I_'_m not allowed to see him so much. They have him on drugs though. _"

"_No_… _fuck. I need to-_"

"_**Roxas. **__I_'_m telling you. You can__**not** __show your face around here. You_'_ll be shot in a second."_

The man sighed.

_"Look, I_'_ll see to it that he is not put on the hard stuff so quickly. At least I_'_ll try. Now I really ca-_"

Roxas exhaled. He guessed he could trust Vanitas to watch over his little brother for a bit. Besides, although Vanitas would never admit to it, there was no way in hell he'd let Ven be hurt.

"_Thank you. We will speak again soon._"

_*click *_

Roxas heaved a deep breath and tried to contain the sob crawling up his throat. Axel was tied up in the next room… and that wasn't supposed to happen. He'd told Axel not to get caught up in this, but Roxas was the one who'd gotten to involved… right from the second he saved him.

_I_'_m sorry, Reno._

* * *

Roxas was very different from Axel, he believed in fate, karma. He believed he deserved the bad things that happened to him because his whole way of living was to kill.

He believed everything happened for a reason and that's why he was so fucked up and alone. He blamed someone, something else. Some divine power. And when he'd seen Axel bleeding in the moonlight with a savage golden glow, he felt compelled to save him by some sort of outside force, or at least that's whom he blamed for his decision.

Axel had green eyes like a cat, red hair like a fire engine. That was what his first thought when he saw him. But when he looked closer and Kadaj's hands were at his throat, he saw a spirit he recognised, and he couldn't give that up, not this time. It was irrational, completely illogical. Roxas had never saved anyone in his life.

On the night of the event, he was on type-X tranquilisers. An Organisation created drug that harnessed mild hallucinogens and serotonin related catalysts. It helped the assassins they hired cope with their daily conflict. Others it fucked up beyond repair. They weren't allowed to take it on the job, but they could after debriefing. Roxas had only taken them twice in his life. Once, at the tender age of 14, in order to check for side effects. The second was that night. The night of his 19th birthday. This wasn't fancy CIA shit. This was a corrupt, unofficial and sprawling organization, with connections all over the country. They were hired to kill, and by hell they were expected to, sometimes in the worst ways possible. They were experts in torture, murder and abuse. Roxas said they were monsters with people's faces. And he was one of them.

That night, the week ago that would change his life, him and his colleague, Kadaj, a sadistic, grotesque killer of a man, had been hired to kill a corrupt and violent manager of an old and notorious drugs cartel that was recently going down under. He'd been pulling all sorts of shit, having people murdered on all sides of the deal. He'd been asked to bring a case of $150,000 in return for his life. Of course, this was a brutal lie.

In a way, Roxas didn't mind these cases. There was a twisted sense of justice about the whole monstrous cesspool that he worked in. He decided he was probably already pretty fucked up, growing up around this shit he never knew what would happen to him.

It was his birthday and all he'd gotten was a rough beating from Kadaj. The sick bastard offered him drugs later as a "peace offering." He thought he'd take them and spit them in his face, but they ended up sliding down pretty easily, Roxas would admit, it felt pretty nice. They always burned their bodies at the Organization's stronghold, but Roxas really wanted to start a fire that night. Even the rebellious Kadaj was surprised. They were both pretty fucked, and Roxas was itching for a fight. They were careless.

The fire looked even more beautiful when he was high. And then he saw Axel. An elegy for nostalgia... an _angel_.

In his haze his green eyes stood out the most, and he knew he kept babbling about it after he'd stabbed Kadaj, though he couldn't quite remember what he said. Kadaj had just pissed him off so bad. Someone wouldn't take him away again… No… They couldn't…. They…

Roxas awoke thrashing about. He couldn't believe he'd let himself fall asleep. After the phone call to Vanitas he'd collapsed from exhaustion. He hadn't eaten in days. His body ached and he was sure some of his wounds had reopened… Xemnas was so angry and he…

The picture on Axel's bedside caught Roxas' eye. He'd been looking at it earlier before his eyes could no longer stay open. The photo showed a young Axel and an older looking redhead sat on a pier, who Roxas couldn't mistake for anyone else. There were also three taller boys with their arms swung around each other. A handsome brunette, a fierce black-haired boy with long hair like Axel's, and a blonde with locks that stuck up even farther than Roxas'. He stared at it for a second before his eyes widened and he sprinted into the living room. To his relief, Axel was still asleep, head lolling in despair.

He went back into the other room and sunk down against the door. He realised he'd collapsed on Axel's bed; he felt almost a little intrusive, despite everything that had happened. His sheets smelled of wood. Ironing and detergent. A warm, clean smell. Not what Roxas had expected. Not like Reno's sharp, cinnamon presence. The only thing that was similar was the certain warmth it had to it.

What was for sure was Roxas had been right, even in his doped up state that night he had realised it. Axel and Reno were close as blood. And Roxas realised it was definitely fate that had caused this to happen. However, it would make it difficult for Roxas to kill Axel if he went against him, and this put him in quite a predicament.

But he needed his help… and he hadn't even tried to be nice in the first place.

The truth was, Roxas, he just didn't know how.

* * *

When Axel awoke, he found himself sitting upright with his hands in his lap. How the fuck had he fallen asleep like that? His curtains were drawn and his legs and fingers untied. Across the room was a figure wrapped in blankets. His eyes were open wide, like they would close any moment, invisible matchsticks between his eyelids.

Roxas had expected Axel to awaken after he untied him, but the guy was a ridiculously deep sleeper, and Roxas just let him be. He could tell waking Axel would make him angrier than he'd be already.

Roxas knew that untying Axel now could mean his own end. But to do this to Reno. No... _A part of Reno._ It wasn't right. The last moral string left in Roxas told him that. The one thread that Xemnas couldn't destroy...

_The one Ven and Namine kept intact. The one Reno put back together..._

Axel didn't move though. He just sat and stared at him. Eyes outlined in deep circles and thinly pursed lips. His once vibrant hair looked limp and matted and his breathing was shallow and wispy. Roxas sat up and retrieved a glass of water from Axel's tiny coffee table, handing it to him tentatively.

Axel just stared at it numbly, eyes glowing in the dark.

Reno had blue eyes like the sky, calm and tranquil and_ heavenly_. They were exactly like Axel's. Cat-like and hypnotic. But they weren't green.

Roxas shuddered. The acid was spilling over and Roxas had seen enough already. Venom... That hair trigger temper... Roxas had never seen anything like it.

When Xemnas was angry, he was calm and cool and stern and you knew you could die any second.

But Axel... He was all passion and _poison._

Before Roxas could react, the water was flung aside and he was pinned down hard against the couch, hands held sharply above his head.

_I won't be defeated._

Roxas couldn't move. Axel was overwhelmingly strong, stronger than he looked. Roxas could die now and it would all be over… Ven would never be free and Reno's sacrifice would be-

Axel punched him square in the jaw.

"How do you know him?"

"…Who?"

"TELL ME HOW THE FUCK YOU KNOW MY BROTHER OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KILL YOU!"

Roxas' eyes widened and he faltered and stuttered and all he could manage was a pathetic dry sob. He was hungry and tired and for the first time he remembered for a while, scared for his life. He wanted to be with Ven and just hold him close. Even hearing Vanitas scream and shout at him would be better. Reno telling him it would all be okay…

Axel released his grip and the look on his face was one of pure horror. He stared deftly at him, unable to comprehend what had just happened. He was at a loss. The boy had acted so erratically since he met him he didn't know if this was an act or real human emotion. He didn't understand.

Axel took a deep breath and tried to speak levelly, still tying Roxas down.

"Look. I heard you shout out Reno's name in your sleep. And I know there aren't many Reno's in this city. Trust me… I've looked." His face almost softened for a second. He looked down at Roxas, Roxas and his blue eyes, Roxas and his cuts and bruises… Roxas who could kill him.

Axel needed to remember this or he'd give in to his softer side. He thought of the times he'd waited for Reno. Waited for an answer. Seen someone be robbed, seen someone be _killed_. This fucked up world just made him so _angry._

_These thoughts renew my resolve..._

And he lowered his voice a little scarily, close to Roxas' ear.

"Every time I ask you a question you just don't give me a fuckin answer and more and more things get fucking confusing in my mind and I don't know whether to just kill you." Axel's voice was low, scathing.

"Just please. Tell me what the fuck is going on. Then I'll tell you if I'm willing to help in whatever fucked up shit's goin' on around here. I want answers. Now." That same demanding tone... Laced with desperation.

Roxas couldn't croak out a reply, his voice was still hoarse and he was shocked by the pressure and heat and closeness of Axel.

"NOW!" Axel tightened his grip again. And Roxas realised he'd be perfect for the job.

_I_'_m sorry for dragging your brother into this Reno, but someone needs to get Ven out. Then I promise I_'_ll save him too. _

Roxas didn't know what kind of futile promises he was making to the dead, but it gave him some peace of mind if he apologised for things now and then, however pointless it seemed. Roxas' tears had ceased and he looked Axel straight in the eye. Years of training from a young age couldn't turn him into monster, not yet, but he could act like one if he wanted to.

He stared through Axel and his face changed slightly. Roxas had that scary, hollow expression he had the first time he'd seen him. And Axel remembered this guy was a murderer.

Still, he didn't back down.

"TELL ME!" He pressed further into Roxas, too close… too _hot. _He had to know _now._

Roxas was having trouble keeping the glare on his face. Axel's pupils dilated a little and Roxas realised he knew what he was doing. He ground in deeper and Roxas could feel a wound on his side open a little. Vanitas had done his best to bandage his cuts, but Axel was digging his fingernails into his sides now…

No… Roxas was too tired for this. His bones ached from his punishment after Sephiroth found him, saw him stab Kadaj in the back. He had brought him to Xemnas and Roxas had been 'disciplined' severely.

So disgusting… he was dirty from it still, hungry, _sad. _

He'd thought he could control Axel… but he was sorely mistaken. Now he was scared, and _hateful._

_I need to leave_…

"Stop…" Roxas croaked out.

Roxas' broken voice struck a chord in Axel's mind. His eyes widened and he loosened his grip immediately.

_What did I_… _just do_…_?_

Axel stared at him in disbelief and when he saw the blood on his fingernails he leapt up from him immediately. His eyes were frightened. Roxas knew it was from his own actions. Roxas knew Axel had always tried so hard to do the right thing.

Because Reno had always told him his younger brother was a saint. And now he'd met him and he reminded Roxas of a fallen angel.

"_Anyone can be a monster, Axel_…"

"_You mustn_'_t show that side of yourself to others_"

"_An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind Axel_… _No matter how much you hate someone, how much they did you wrong_… _Please forgive them. If everyone did that_… _the world wouldn_'_t be in this bloody war with itself._"

Axel could hear voices rushing around in his head. The voice of the dead coaxing him to do the right thing… always… what is right.

He didn't know if he could anymore, he felt like he didn't know himself and that scared him beyond belief. Roxas was staring at him, trembling a little.

Axel looked at him with wide, grief-ridden eyes.

And then he turned on his heel, leaving the solitary boy alone.

Roxas didn't move. He felt like he was going to smash. He didn't understand how he'd cracked so easily.

_All those ruthless years weren't enough..._

He'd been untameable for so long. But he guessed Xemnas probably broke him from the start. This was the inevitable breakdown that was bound to tear Roxas apart in the end.

He didn't know who to be. He didn't belong. Being dismissed from the hell that was all he ever knew, it meant becoming human.

But now he was an emotional wreck, tied up in humanity and all its terrible side effects, feelings, sympathy, _guilt._

Being a monster, a _killer_, it was wrong. But at least he didn't have to feel back then.

He lay his head on his arms numbly and stared through a small gap in the curtains. The snow had melted and it was evening already. He was _so tired_. His sides were bleeding a little through the bandages, and there were smaller holes where Axel's long, thin fingers had cut through the gauze. This had turned out all so wrong. His plans of saving Ven seemed far, far away… out of his reach. _Please protect him Vanitas._ He didn't understand Axel… He didn't understand what he was feeling.

He had been following rigid, severe orders for so many years. He didn't know anything else. To be separated from the Organization would be a blessing to so many who were trapped in its corruption and chaos. But now that Roxas had left, he felt like everything was falling apart.

Roxas had only ever wished for freedom. A good life for him and his brother. But now, everything was off. Thrown out of balance. Axel had come into his life and he was so close now and it was foreign and he was in his flat and he wanted to kill him but he couldn't and he wanted to run but he had no where to go. And he was Reno's goddamn _brother_. If it wasn't divine intervention that he'd meet him, Roxas didn't know what it was. But he felt like it meant something important, and as he clutched at his side, he could see the moon rising higher in the sky, and he trembled in its strange glow, waiting on its judgement.

* * *

A/N Some... relationship... uh... development, kind of? I was like this - close to writing a rape scene, it was very tempting. But I thought it would be a little OOC for Axel in this fic. But I like angry Axel.


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